One
Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
Two
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.
Three
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
Four
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower; just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
Five
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably becuase of something you did."
Six
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
Seven
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
Eight
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes I bet you can really see it in those genitals
Nine
Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the lion or tiger or even the elephant. The most dangerous animal is a shark riding on an elephant, just trampling and eating everything they see
Ten
As I bet into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiceness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN DEAD!!
Eleven
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.
Twelve
Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man.
13
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beatiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautitful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
14
I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man best. We called him Uncle Cave Man becuase he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat one of us. Later on we found out he was a bear.
15
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?!
16
In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.
17
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
18
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mister Brave man, I guess I am a coward.
19
Below ye winds, Like the trumpet blows; But without that noise.
20
I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
21
When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, "hey good job."
22
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
23
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-O'- lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note that says "You". Afterthat I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
24
I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and mailing a fresh load of tadpoles to that old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!". We all thought he was crazy. But then, we had some growing up to do.
25
The face of a child can say it all. especially the mouth part of the face.
26
If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, whis is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps for browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.
27
I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away.
28
Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tiptop and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.
29
I remember that fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me, "I said, "I'm off the team, aren't I?"
"Well," said Coach, "you never were really on the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times."
It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought, something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
30
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. Its Hambone.
31
When I heard that trees grow a new "ring" for each year they live, I thought, we humans are kind of like that: we grow a new layer of skin each year; and after many years we are thick and unwieldy from all our skin layers.
32
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
33
If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.
34
It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
35
Marta says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up.
36
The old pool shooter had won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the floor. "Sorry," he said with a smile.
37
If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tells the reader we are going to have fun with this thing.
38
Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a briliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.
39
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
40
The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine
41
I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then, after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science?
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